Shalom Y’all; June 20th, 2011

Shalom everyone!

It has been quite the experience living on this kibbutz for so long, with essentially no contact to the civilized world whatsoever, aside from my handy dandy laptop. I’ve had such a great time here, excluding a few bored nights, and I am sad to be leaving so soon! My flight leaves at 1 am *shudder* on Friday morning. I guess it’s best though to have such a dreadfully timed flight — as it will bring me into New York around 5:30 am after an overnight flight of 11 hours. Hopefully, I’ll be able to sleep for most of it! On the way over, I was not so lucky.

I just arrived back to my room from the pool, and am having a very hard time dealing with body image. I’ve always found it hard to be in a bathing suit in front of others, but I have not been able to work out at all since I arrived here and I’m feeling much worse about myself than usual. That’s not to say I haven’t lost weight though. I honestly don’t know if I have or haven’t. All I know is that I am going to feel so much better once I’m home, on a normal work schedule, and can start going back to the gym. It will be such a relief.

I’m also so excited for the school year to start back up again. I’ve started to consider Psychology as a new career path, as opposed to architecture. I’m not sure what I want to do yet, but I feel like, having had so many experiences myself within the field, it would be a crime not to at least explore that option.

This past weekend, I went with my friend J to Jerusalem and we spent a day and a half with her congregation, who just happened to be on a trip to Israel while we were here. It was so nice to be around a group of adults and have mature conversations. My only complaint about living here on the kibbutz is that most of the people here are not very mature, and the majority of them do a lot of drugs. I don’t know about them, but I definitely didn’t come to Israel to start smoking every day and snorting hard drugs in front of 12-year-old Israelis. Regardless, Jerusalem was beautiful and it really made me remember and cherish the time I’ve had here in Israel. It’s such a huge part of Jewish history and I am really happy I was able to have this opportunity. This trip wasn’t about losing weight, though my ED would love to tell me otherwise; it was about me growing as a person and experiencing new things, which I certainly have.

xx

Becca

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ישראל; June 14, 2011

Shalom from Israel, everyone!

I know i’ve been so bad at blogging this past, well, year. I really do want to get back into it — I used to have so many readers and I loved coming back to wordpress every day to find new comments and new followers. I guess with this year, going off to college and all, I just honestly didn’t have the time.

Meanwhile, I am currently staying on a Kibbutz in southern Israel with loads (too much) free time on my hands, so I figured I’d say hello! What’s new in the blog world everybody? What have I missed??

I’ve been in Israel since May 26th and I leave on June 24th. I came with Taglit-Birthright, an organization that allows all Jewish youth, aged 18-24, to come to Israel for free! It’s such a fantastic program and the experience was one I will never forget. When that trip ended on the 6th, I chose to extend my stay and move to a kibbutz for a few weeks, to see what it was like. For those of you who don’t know, a kibbutz is a sort of all-encompassing commune. They are located all throughout the state and, while over the past few years they have certainly changed in terms of their communistic ways, they still hold a lot of equality-type values that I admire.

My mother stayed on a kibbutz for half a year when she was 17, two years younger than me, and she had an amazing time. I can’t say I’m having the best time of my life here, as I really would much rather be traveling the country than volunteering on the kibbutz gardening and working with the elderly, but I’m certainly not complaining about not having to be in my house for the summer! I start work the moment I get home, so I’m just trying to get the most relaxation out of this “vacation” as possible!

Eating has not been easy, per-se. We are only served one meal a day in the dining room, lunch, and we are on our own for breakfast and dinner. For the most part, I have been doing alright, but for some reason, ED seems to think that whenever I am away, be it in foreign countries, at camp, anywhere but home or school, I must lose weight. It’s really bloody annoying, to tell you the truth. And to be completely honest, I haven’t been too great fighting him on it either. My body image was not great when I left school at the end of the semester, and i’ve been going through a stressful time, with both my grandparents sick and my educational goals up in flames. I’m desperately trying to figure out what I want to do with my life in the future, all the while trying to hold it together in the present. Unfortunately, I cannot be in two places at once :[

Anyways, I’m off to go to the pool with a friend I’ve made here. Any feedback, or at least a hello to tell me you are still reading this, would be much appreciated!

xx

Becca

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it’s been awhile, but i am alive.

Friends,

I feel like every time I post on here, it’s an excuse for not writing in so long, so I’m just going to go ahead and assume you guys know i’ve been drowning in architecture work for months and haven’t had a second to eat, sleep, or breathe. I’m a hot mess, to be completely honest. It’s been fun, but thank g-d it’s over.

Update on my life: I am officially done with architecture — for now. I gave it a go, and I really loved it and found out how passionate I am about design, but if I continue in this major, it will kill me. And no degree is worth dying over. Next semester, I’m taking an environmental studies lab science, urban sociology, orchestra, modern dance, an honors photography studio, and I am continuing with Hebrew for another semester. My plan is to graduate with an environmental studies major and an international development minor, in addition to the architecture minor I will have received from this year of coursework.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, it was totally last minute, but I’m going to Israel for a month! I’m going on birthright with my school for 10 days, and then I’m volunteering on a kibbutz for 3 weeks, both helping with the upkeep of the farm/stables and teaching children English in local schools. I’m really excited. I was going to volunteer with the army, but my  mother was not for that idea. Ha.

Today, my semester ended on a very somber note. I woke up to an email from my mom telling me my grandfather was rushed to the hospital last night. Some sort of kidney failure. Although I just got back from Florida (I went for easter break/study period), I flew to Florida and am now here until the 14th.

On the 15th, I start a lifeguarding certification class, (I’ll most likely be working at a day camp this summer from june until august). I think it’ll be nice to have a chill job that doesn’t require me to be running after 13-year-olds, like i’ve done the past two summers. Also, I’ll be staying with my dad over the weekends in manhattan, as he’s officially moved back to the US. Great timing, Dad. But, I guess it’s a start.

Anyways, I’m thinking of making a full switch to tumblr. I have one now, but it’s simply a photo blog. I’m not sure I’d want to start adding text in. What do you all think?

Miss you dearly. Sorry i’ve been such a lame-o.

xx

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Big News; January 9

Well ladies and gentlemen, I have bad news…

I’ve relapsed – again.

Up until now, I would have called it a lapse, because I have been struggling with my intake and body image for months now. But today, something changed. I found myself so hungry I thought I was going to throw up or pass out, yet I couldn’t bring myself to eat even a morsel of food even after working out for an hour and a half this morning at the gym. I’ve been convincing myself that this was just a rough time for me, which it is, and that as soon as I got back to school, I could forget about my stupid eating disorder and move on with my life.

Why is it a rough time, you may wonder? As many of my readers may recall, I’ve mentioned my dad moving back to America from London quite a few times. Though he told us all he was moving back last christmas, it has taken until now, yesterday to be exact, for this move to actually come into effect. The moment my plane landed in New Orleans (where I attend school), I received a text from my father – “Daddy’s home!”

Really Dad? Really? I used to hide in closets, behind locked doors, at windowsills with tears running from my eyes, waiting to hear those exact words again — what my father used to say when after returning home from work. After leaving me with an abusive mother at the age of 7, now is the time he realizes he want to be closer to us? Now that I’m living in another part of the country? And to make things even better, the rest of the family is still living in the north. My brother and sister will get to see him so often, will get to have what I always dreamed of having.

I’m sure this added stress is contributing to my weight loss, and I’m beginning to find this whole gain weight/relapse cycle rather pathetic right about now. I mean one relapse? Fine. Two? Okay. Three? Ehhh. But four? This is absolutely ridiculous. I’m so sick of this routine, this monster in my head whom wants so badly for me to be thin enough to tap daintily on death’s door. Why must I submit to ED’s lies so easily the moment I begin to lose control? Why must he always lurk in the background of my hazed life, waiting for my world to crumble beneath my own two feet?

A new semester starts tomorrow, and I want to be able to get through it alive. I want to be okay, to be able to support myself through this struggle, but now my ED voice is so loud, I’m afraid he won’t allow me to. I’ve lost about 4 pounds since my break began, and my friends are worried. To be completely honest, I’m worried. I’m miserable, and this is not the life I want. Yet I keep running back to it…

xx

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New Look; January 3

Howdy Ya’ll!

I hope you all had a lovely new years celebration! The new year brings about a sense of renewal in everyone, and that being said, I’ve been thinking about giving my blog a new look. Not only do I want to change the style of it, as it has been the same for quite some time now, but I want to bring the content in a new direction as well. At school, I found that not being surrounded by people with eating disorders or people who know I have one as well as being around so many other things that took priority over ED gave me the strength to ignore him and move on with my life, albeit for a very short time.

This blog started out as my recovery blog, and for that time in my life, it served me just as I needed it to. However, now that I am in a different place in my life, living away at school and being on my own, I feel this blog should transform into something…well, else. I haven’t given it a whole bunch of thought yet, but I’m intrigued to hear what you guys think?! What do you think my blog could use — maybe I can get back some of the readers I lost over my hiatus?

I’ve found tumblr a really fun, exciting way to express myself as well! It’s quick, easy, and they always say, a picture can say a thousand words: so true. I definitely say check it out; if not mine, at least look into making one for yourself!

I am now typing from my grandmother’s house in Florida and could not be happier. I arrived yesterday afternoon and as soon as we got into grandma’s car, she told us we were going out of lunch. We went to an adorable waterfront restaurant called Two Georges and I enjoyed a cranberry, walnut salad.

At some point today, I plan to head down to the pool for some tanning action, but right now, we’re off to the library! I finished yet another book, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by the wonderful David Sedaris — phenomenal. I highly recommend!

 

I mean...just look at the guy! He's on weheartit.com. What's not to love?

I’ve never read an author who not only makes me laugh hysterically with almost every sentence, but makes me want to write a novel! If his family can be that entertaining, one can only imagine what hysterics would come from a novel about my family!

Next on the list: Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. I’ve heard great things…anyone familiar with this book or this author? I’ve recently finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, as well as Everything is Illuminated by Foer and I really enjoy his writing style.

Will update again soon!

xx

Becca

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Ringing in the New Year; Day 1 of 2011

Wow, I cannot believe the new year is already here. This past year zipped by so quickly. So much has happened. While 2010 had it’s ups and downs, it was a truly life-changing year for me. I graduated from high school, worked my last summer at sleepaway camp, and begun college. Yes, i’ve struggled, but I have come farther in my recovery this year than any other before it. I’m finally starting to see that being thin isn’t everything; people at school who didn’t even know I had an eating disorder still loved and cared for me no matter what.

weheartit

While my intentions were to keep ED out of the picture in college and start fresh, I’ve realized that’s going to be impossible. I still struggle from time to time and I need a support system there, just as I would here at home or anywhere else. My closest friends know my issues and hopefully, when I head back for spring semester, I can get myself back on track and onto a healthy start. I will be rushing for a sorority as soon as school starts up again, so hopefully that won’t put too much stress on me! There is also a gymnastics meet the first weekend of school in Florida, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it, unfortunately.

I head down to Florida tomorrow anyways to spend some time with Grandma before I go back to Tulane! I’m super duper excited. Every moment I spend with that woman reminds me of all the great things I have to live for. She loves me unconditionally, and I her. Being around her makes me happy, and I think it is going to be really good for me to get out of my house and be able to relax for at least some of this break.

Wishing you all a happy new year!

xx

Becca

Oh, and for an update to my growing winter break reading list…

1. Diary – Chuck Palahniuk

2. When You Are Engulfed in Flames – David Sedaris
3. Freakonomics – Steven Levitt & Stephen Dubner [started, but couldn’t get into it]

4. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Jonathan Safran Foer
5. Eating Animals – Jonathan Safran Foer

6. Everything is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran Foer

7. Wintergirls – Laurie Halse Anderson

8. Picture Perfect – Jodi Picoult

9. Squirrel Meets Chipmunk – David Sedaris

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Wandering the East Village; December 31

She walked into the tattoo parlor on St. Marks Place, not knowing exactly what to expect. It couldn’t possibly hurt that bad — a pinch maybe. She had wanted this done for years, and it would be only moments until the deed was done. Her friend stood by her side, reassuring her that it would be okay, that she was absolutely fine. She turned around to glance at the piercer’s station as he prepared the needle and sterilization equipment; he worked fast as lightening, yet the seconds seemed to tick minutes apart. She began to panic. A rush of adrenaline ran through her veins as she closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and wished it would just be over. The piercer marked the spot on her upper cartilage, held up a mirror, and asked her if it was okay. She glanced at it, said it was perfect, and continued to panic in silence. He picked up the needle and brought it to her ear, and within 30 seconds, it was over.

While I came very close to passing out yesterday, I am so happy I went through with it: I finally got my cartilage pierced! The procedure barely hurt at all, though I did get very lightheaded. Piercer said I just don’t have a high pain threshold — haha. I find that quite ironic…

Yesterday was one of the best days i’ve had in a very long time. My friend D and I went into the city with the intentions of getting my ear pierced, and while I was very skeptical, I made her swear she wouldn’t let me leave the parlor without getting it done. Following the embarrassing episode of almost fainting from an ear-piercing, we went over to pink berry and got parfaits! While on any other occasion, I would have been freaked by the size and the price, my friend explained that it was actually the best deal on offer there: two dry toppings, three fruits, and a heck of a lot of frozen yogurt (pumpkin of course!) for just $5.00. While that may sound like a lot of money, compared to the individual prices of each topping and the price of getting flavored yogurt (I know, ridiculous), it was a steal!

Following “lunch,” we of course headed over to Forever 21, where I exchanged two things, and got adorable knit riding pants and a humane society t-shirt! I swear, almost every piece of clothing I own now is from this place. The store has me hooked.

 

The Humane Society Tee doubled nicely as part of a day outfit and an essential component of my New Years outfit!

After we shopped for a bit, my friend D and I split ways and I went to meet my two friends from treatment, A and L. I haven’t seen L for two years, since I left Renfrew, and she was honestly my best friend there. While a bit flakey at times, she never fails to be here for me whenever I’m struggling and I know I can always go to her if I have a problem. A and I are also very close and it was so great to see them both. We walked to a Dunkin Donuts and enjoyed the company of each other over hot coffee.

What is your coffee of choice? I personally prefer dunkin — starbucks is way too bitter and overpriced for my liking, but my friend D is obsessed.

Anyways, I’m off to get ready to party! Happy New Years everyone! I’m so happy to be back, and I hope you all continue to read and enjoy :]

xx

Becca

 

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