Big News; January 9

Well ladies and gentlemen, I have bad news…

I’ve relapsed – again.

Up until now, I would have called it a lapse, because I have been struggling with my intake and body image for months now. But today, something changed. I found myself so hungry I thought I was going to throw up or pass out, yet I couldn’t bring myself to eat even a morsel of food even after working out for an hour and a half this morning at the gym. I’ve been convincing myself that this was just a rough time for me, which it is, and that as soon as I got back to school, I could forget about my stupid eating disorder and move on with my life.

Why is it a rough time, you may wonder? As many of my readers may recall, I’ve mentioned my dad moving back to America from London quite a few times. Though he told us all he was moving back last christmas, it has taken until now, yesterday to be exact, for this move to actually come into effect. The moment my plane landed in New Orleans (where I attend school), I received a text from my father – “Daddy’s home!”

Really Dad? Really? I used to hide in closets, behind locked doors, at windowsills with tears running from my eyes, waiting to hear those exact words again — what my father used to say when after returning home from work. After leaving me with an abusive mother at the age of 7, now is the time he realizes he want to be closer to us? Now that I’m living in another part of the country? And to make things even better, the rest of the family is still living in the north. My brother and sister will get to see him so often, will get to have what I always dreamed of having.

I’m sure this added stress is contributing to my weight loss, and I’m beginning to find this whole gain weight/relapse cycle rather pathetic right about now. I mean one relapse? Fine. Two? Okay. Three? Ehhh. But four? This is absolutely ridiculous. I’m so sick of this routine, this monster in my head whom wants so badly for me to be thin enough to tap daintily on death’s door. Why must I submit to ED’s lies so easily the moment I begin to lose control? Why must he always lurk in the background of my hazed life, waiting for my world to crumble beneath my own two feet?

A new semester starts tomorrow, and I want to be able to get through it alive. I want to be okay, to be able to support myself through this struggle, but now my ED voice is so loud, I’m afraid he won’t allow me to. I’ve lost about 4 pounds since my break began, and my friends are worried. To be completely honest, I’m worried. I’m miserable, and this is not the life I want. Yet I keep running back to it…

xx

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Big News; January 9

  1. H.

    You can turn this around Becca, I promise you can, no matter how stressful things get. You’ve done it before and you can do it again, this time for good.

    I have every faith in you. Do this for your future!

    x Hannah x

  2. Laura

    Becca,
    I’ve been reading your blog for probably a year now and never commented, but I want you to know that I think you are incredibly strong and have the ability to make it through this. You know that an eating disorder isn’t something you want in your life, and you see that it’s making you miserable. I know how hard it is to stop once you’ve fallen back into it – I’ve been there, done that, too – but you have the ability to get back to where you were and be even stronger and happier for it. I am also attempting to recover, and I’d love to help you or listen or be a friend if you’d like to email me (laura6708@gmail.com). Remember that you are strong and want a life happy and free of your eating disorder.

  3. stress sucks, i hate living with it, but we have too. I feel the same as you, in that i dont want this miserable life that ed leads us into, but i keep going back to it, 3rd time for me. Weight gain is the worst for me, i dont even know what makes it so hard. I’m here if you ever want to talk. I know you willg et through this<3

  4. hey becca, im sorry to hear things arent great for you. It is possible t turn it around tho, im on relapse # Ive stopped counting! and im still trying, dont lose hope, turn it around, for you! xx

  5. I really hope you can reign it in this time and not let the stress get to you. You have to find some other healthier way to cope with things. That’s key!! Of course, you already know that. But I do hope that it doesn’t get worse!

    ❤ Tori

  6. I am so sorry Becca 😦 So sorry that things are stressing you out, and that you are upset 😦 I know that you can overcome this relapse, and not let ED have his way. You can do this! I believe in you 🙂

    Praying for you and sending you my support,

    <3<3<3
    Scott

  7. dmcgirl37

    awe becca–i’m so sorry to hear your struggling. I know how you feel though, it sneaks up on you. You can get through it!!

    Dana xo
    http://happinessiswithinblog.com/

  8. oh no, this definitely isn’t happy news to hear and i totally can see why you wouldn’t be in any way chipper to feel good about this situation. Just try your best to remain strong, knowing that you come first in any decision based on your life. You are a stronger girl and everyone around you will see that. Sending you my thoughts and prayers and hoping you can muster up extra strength to get through this. XOXOXO ❤

  9. A

    Keep fighting Becca boo, you’re too amazing to have ED in your life, kick that jerk face out and show him whos boss!!! ❤
    Love you so much, and we WILL talk soon!!!!!!! Sending you a big bear hug and a kiss!!! *SQUEEZE*, *MWAH* !!!!!!! … i'm strange.. haha …LOVE YOU!
    xoxo
    -A ❤

  10. I don’t know you Becca but I believe in you. I met four wonderful girls last night who also share my experience and welcomed me into their life. Reach out to people who “get” you, reach out to people who care. I always keep my goals in my head; what can recovery give me? What am I looking forward to? Who NEEDS ME in their lives and in the world? I know it’s hard, believe me I’m struggling with the same thoughts
    CHIN UP
    Hannah

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